introduction
hello, wherever you are
SINGAPORE - LONDON
Mostly, I am Violet.
Sometimes, I float around aimlessly and pretend to be weird.
Then I realise that's still being Violet, and human.
So Hi there, I'm Violet, a Human. Nice to meet you *friendly handshake*
Mostly, I am Violet.
Sometimes, I float around aimlessly and pretend to be weird.
Then I realise that's still being Violet, and human.
So Hi there, I'm Violet, a Human. Nice to meet you *friendly handshake*
Recent Posts
· Last Kiss· Two Pigeons
· Decided to blog today at the gym because it's the ...
· This is my Catharsis
· Table for One Tuesday!
· HOW TO EAT FRUITS
· Take the world by storm
· the Comeback post
· I think sometimes I need to reconcile with myself ...
· (Note: Very Incoherent, Dissected post belies)As m...
Last Kiss
Wednesday, January 29, 2014 | Posted by Violet|
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I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away
I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane
That July 9th the beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms
But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you'd miss
All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you'd miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
---
Have been listening religiously to Taylor Swift since I got tickets to her show last Friday and discovered some of her songs I haven't had the chance to encounter before. Like this! Last Kiss - Taylor Swift. It's a really intense 6minute+ song and kind of stirs some shit inside of me.
As an egoistic young lady, I have always found it highly amusing when my friends/friends-of-friends/aka-people-I-stalk post things like "I can be the hardest person to love sometimes but thank you for loving me" and the like~ Detractors may offer the possibility of jealousy for my derision, considering my rather... unique relationship, but hey, check the statistics man. Sometimes I just want to rub it into everybody's faces that my seemingly unsustainable, almost ridiculous relationship has lasted a good four years. Nothing to be proud of, because a relationship is only supposed to last, effortlessly, freely and without a constant need to reaffirm and reassure. Together, just because.
---
I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in
I'm not much for dancing but for you I did
Because I loved your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
---
Your name, forever the name on my lips.
Two Pigeons
Tuesday, January 28, 2014 | Posted by Violet|
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Today, I saw two pigeons on my way home from Careers Service. I was exceptionally struck by how fat one of the pigeons were, and that was what caught my eye in the first place, considering my extreme disdain for birds. It was rather interesting because the two pigeons were just walking(?) around and then they stopped in front of an ambulance and it almost seemed as though they were peering in, watching, waiting for something. The two pigeons, in that instance, almost seemed to know something, a secret possibly, or that they had powers enabling them to see into the ambulance. I could nearly imagine them watching a scene in the ambulance - an anxious medic desperately doing all he can to save a man, his friend from university whom he has lost contact with after all those years of life and living, at the cusp of death. Does he succeed? Does he fail? How does he feel? Only our pensive pigeons can ever tell.Walked on home and figured I must be quite insane to be reading so much (and rather unrealistically) into the actions of two nondescript pigeons. Must be the window displays at Waterstones! The books on display just seemed to be calling out to me and mocking me for not having read all those books I got last time. Shall get down to it once I'm done with school.
---
Finally submitted my LSE application! Was supposed to do this, what, last year? But dragged till now! Hopefully my Personal Statement and Transcripts and References are sufficiently impressive to get me into the programme! Really want to get in because I don't think I am ready to leave academic study at the moment.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013 | Posted by Violet|
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Decided to blog today at the gym because it's the very first time I'm here so early and it's great! The entire gym is really empty and I hate to confess this but I took the liberty of claiming an unsuspecting, lonesome towel on the bench as my own. The towels here are top quality in that they have very high absorbencies, and insofar as it is slightly disgusting to use a communal towel that I have seen people throw on the floor as a rag, I'll probably go home and give it another wash so it smells like flowers and is CLEAN with minimal germs. And to be fair, I actually paid for towel hire, which comes for FREE in my lovely sunny Singapore! Can't wait to go back to Fusionopolis and hit the FF there! Really appreciate how posh the place is and how they make an extra effort to keep the gym spick and span! They also provide infinitely more space, machines and CLASSES. I've been hitting every possible Combat class at Oxford Circus but there's only three a week and each class is 45 minutes long instead of the typical 45 minutes. Apparently, this is due to the labour rights or some regulation like that which means instructors need to be paid more if they do classes longer than 45 minutes. Which I don't really understand because FF ought to just do it since the class IS SUPPOSED TO BE 1 hour long! How can they say they offer Les Mills if it is some half-past-six incomplete session?! Aiyoyo! To make up for this though, they do have spectacular instructors whom I've grown to befriend! I think the smaller class size really works in this case (Evidence for smaller class tutorials being more effective, even in the gym!) because you get to know the instructors personally and that makes the class a whole lot more enjoyable and productive and fun for both instructor and participant! Now that I've gotten to know Adriana, I make it a point to please her soul by going KIAAAA! as loudly as possible when she calls for it, and my unabashed enthusiasm and participation is also going around the room as others start to loosen their rigid, office-bound selves and join in the craziness. Marife on Wednesday is beautiful and she has the most solid set of abs I've ever seen on a lady!!! Holy shit it's slightly disturbing but I really want to touch those abs haha I've never touched a real, defined set of abs before! The guys I know haven't got great bodies and I won't consider any of them particularly hot. Sian. Why no eye candy amongst my friends!!! So sad my eyes yearn for more! Haha and Ben I haven't seen in ages but last I checked he said he is fat (?!?!) and he eats far too much junk to have abs anyway. SADX2. Not like I've a rocking hot body myself, in fact, 93 million miles bloody far away from it, but it's still nice to have some abs to lie on HAHAHAHAHA. Fantasy about Ben and I in some nice beach resort and I suddenly have super skinny legs and we stroll along the beach of Maldives or something and there's no one else there. The waters are crystal clear and sparkling under the gentle rays of the Sun, the sky is azure and the clouds are fluffy and telling stories with their ever-changing shoes and forms. Most importantly, we must have BREEZE. I need that light cooling zephyr to caress my skin and put the smile to my face. Otherwise it's just gonna be so bloody hot and sunny like in Phuket where Ben and I were sweating profusely and it was very, very UN-SEXY AND NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. I was just dying there in my minimal clothing and I just wanted to to strip already because my clothes were stuck to me by the buckets of sweat and my hair was in an extremely unsightly bun and all I was thinking is Air-conditioning and a nice cold fruit juice. When in extreme situations, I do not crave alcohol at all. People always say enjoy a nice cold beer at the beach and I'm like ugh, beer, tastes too bad to be cooling! And not cocktail because it makes me warm after awhile and so fruit juice is the best because taste guaranteed plus it is actually cooling when you order COOLING FRUITS. Hahaha reminds me of the three leg cooling water which tastes damn weird I don't like it and I don't know how water can be specially made to be cooling but it probably has scientific backing. And by scientific I mean electrolytes and all. Serious chemistry shit. I realize I don't consider bio to be a science because I think it's not very logical since you can always say human body has exceptions and life science is seriously...zzz. I prefer serious, proven science with numbers and laws and proofs.
Which may not be expected of my personality, considering my inclination to mess and disorder. I think I have no defined character traits and have too diverse interests, which is probably why I have a rather wide range of friends, and amongst them I cannot identify a common personality. And by this, I refer to my own persona, not theirs. Obviously all your friends are different and many people have different types of friends and some people actually consistently boast or emphasize this fact which annoys me. A lot. I think I have a problem which is that I get annoyed when somebody whom I view as not as good as me on a particular arena or skill or anything and everything overplays this characteristic, making it seem like he/she is super awesome at this. I mean well yes, granted, you could be reasonably good or even fantastic at this, and it is only natural for people to want to boast of their skills (for example, I still cannot get over small self wins like my deans lists and 40/40 physics mcq) but I don't go declaring these wins to other people unwarranted, neither do I go up to people obviously/conceivably better than me and embarrass myself or elicit an awkward, contrived response from them. Just doesn't make sense, no? So from this, I gather a few conclusions about myself and those around me:
1) They do not have such self-perceptions and views, I.e. they think it is alright to do what I feel is unnecessary. Perfect reasonable, but perfectly annoying to me.
2) In their eyes, I am not their comparable counterpart, I.e. I suck and I overvalue myself
3) I need to learn to not be so easily annoyed. Too many small things get to me and I need to learn to be more Zen and PEACE OUT VI.
With that ranting and self-evaluation done, I'm going to get back to work or watching Come Dine with Me. Stop being annoyed dear!!! Get a grip!
This is my Catharsis
| Posted by Violet|
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It is sad that we didn't make it to our fourth year. Not that the number is the issue, or that there was some form of wager involved, but indeed I was very hopeful, confident really, that things would work out just fine. Slight hiccups along the way and I wouldn't say that the past one and a half year has been smooth-sailing to say the least, but I remained confident, confident that no matter how small a room I had in your heart, there was always a space for me there. This great spatial relationship has taught me, if anything at all, one fundamental thing about you. That love plays a slighted role in your life. What this translates into for me is that I am not going to get a chivalrous knight who will call me to make sure I'm okay, to wipe my tears when I'm feeling low, to accede to my every need in order to please me. No, this is not the guy you are, and I know that perfectly well.And I accept that.
I accept that you are not the kind of guy who will place me above all, who will, as they say in those corny HK dramas, run to the edges of the world for me (casually translated from tian1 ya2 hai3 jiao3), nor will you get me the moon (or its equivalent practicality) if I so desire it. I also accept that if my desires do not align with your personal interests, desires are what they shall remain. Finally, I also accept that in the grand scheme of things, I will not be the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing you think of at night, and I am easily ranked after the likes of soccer, sleep and social interactions, and that your life simply does not stop because of what happens to me or what I feel. This, naturally, makes me sad, because I do not personally enjoy the feeling of being slighted, but this is also something I have grown to accept and accommodate.
I am not saying all this to point out your flaws or to devalue you, I am not even complaining about you at this moment. The reason I am saying this is to let you and myself know that I accept all of that about you. I no longer doubt you when you say this is the most you can go, and I do not harbour any suspicions towards you. I am saying that in spite of all this, I still love you.
In exchange, I ask that you similarly accommodate my idiosyncrasies and bad temper, my constant annoyance at you and the things around me various, and my expressive need to vent albeit recklessly. To do so, the least I am asking for is for you to respond to me and to reply me. Even if it is a hurried and crass TTYL or Busy or Dinner. Even if you are really so busy you cannot check your phone and engage in conversation. It's fine then, I will just miss you, just say what I want to say, and wait for your reply the next day.
Only that reply never comes.
Which drives me senseless and leaves me completely bewildered. Is it possible that in the entire day, when you are possibly taking a dump, walking from one classroom to another or maybe having lunch, you don't have the time to send me a text as well? Come on. Any rational being will know that no matter how busy you are, you do have time to send a text. Pretty sure even PM Lee has the occasion to send a friendly text message to his loved ones, even if that might be while he is taking a dump. I find it ridiculous that I am subject to your whims and fancies, that my emotions sway as your replies come and go, and that you saying Good Morning actually drove me deliriously happy. I find myself a constant slave to your responses, begging you to spare me a reply, a mere 5 seconds of your time to show that you thought of me. Only to be sorely disappointed when I wake up and see no sign of that thought, no sign of concern to the things I've so eagerly conveyed to you, no sign of you at all.
So I'm losing it.
At this very moment, I am trying my very best to remain in control, but the tears are welling up in my eyes, clouding my vision and my thoughts, before I decisively sweep them away as they accelerate down my cheeks. I am sad, sad that things have had to turn out this way because I couldn't keep up with the vagaries of space and time and because I couldn't keep up with you. It is lamentable that the distance got to the better of us and that I can't quite get a grip of you anymore. So here I am sitting before the photos of us on my wall, and lamenting that this has had to happen because I know we are great together. I believe you, and I still do, when you say that you love me, unconditionally. As much as my angry verbal diarrhea tends to spout otherwise, I do not doubt your love for me. And this is precisely why it makes me so sad that what we have between us, what that is so beautiful and real and spontaneous, has been reduced to this miserable begging for a text.
So what I have decided to do today is not because I don't love you anymore. More than ever, I, and you, know how much I love you. Likewise, I know that you still love me. It's not that we don't love each other anymore, and that is why it is so sad. Like witnessing the flowers wilt or knowing that butterflies don't live longer than 14 days, it is a great, great pity. Sure, new flowers bloom and more butterflies are born, but no other love is going to burn brighter than the sun.
Ours did. Still does. But maybe not right now.
Given the current situation, it is perhaps the most ideal for you to be left alone and for me to stop begging. After all, whether or not I cut my finger, ate a delicious dinner or cycled for 2 hours doesn't really matter to you - I just thought you would like to know. Perhaps you do, perhaps you don't, but seeing as you rarely go to lengths about what you have been doing, I am leaning towards the latter. Similarly, what good does it render me to tell you all that I am feeling? Sometimes it doesn't even play to my advantage because you either do not reply, leading to immense, immense frustration, or you do reply and that reply could be a total disaster, especially after the frustration, or it could just cause more sorrow because you can't be here to comfort me. In all senses of the situation, it sucks.
Realistically speaking, of course I don't want this to end. Deep down, buried under all the emotions and frustration and logistical mess, is a heart that knows where it belongs. I am confident, and fully aware actually, that if I had the means to fly back and find you tomorrow (which is Labour Day), you would be free and you would meet me and we would go for breakfast and lunch and dinner and maybe snacks and bubble tea in between and we would wander the streets of Singapore hand in hand and we would be chipper and laughing and have an absolutely splendid time doing nothing like we do best. I would fly back the next morning and things would revert to the state it is now in no time, because that's just how it is. In certain ways I guess I could say long distance is as much your thing as it isn't, because you handle it so well yet so poorly at the same time.
For now though, I have decided to adopt this course of action I have so chosen. May you be waiting for me on the other side at the end of it all. It would be my only light at the end of the tunnel.
Table for One Tuesday!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013 | Posted by Violet|
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In my longing for personal time and good restaurant food, I specially invented Table for One Tuesdays which officially started yesterday! Ha! Made it sound like I've been doing this forever when it's been done a grand total of one time. Uno! So, for the premiere of Tf1T, I went to Sagar, a South Indian Vegetarian Restaurant on Percy Street. I ordered a Rava Dosa, which is made of cream of rice and wheat or something like that and it came served with Daal (or Sambar) and some green coconut thing which I didn't really like. It was deep fried I think, and was relatively oily but not as bad as roti prata or churros, but sufficiently okay to not leave streaks of oil on the plate after I was done, and was crispy!! I like crispy! It would also soften when I dipped it into the curry and that was marvellous. The waiter also saw that I thoroughly enjoyed wolfing down the curry and took great initiative by offering me another small saucer of the curry. Kudos to the waiter! Thanks to him, I'll definitely make another visit to Sagar to try to Uttapams, which sounded really good on the menu. Maybe I'll get some Poori too. Oh for the love of Indian food.
I also decided to indulge in a Mango Lassi. After the previous Indian Karahi feast at Wanting's when Sam's mango lassi failed to turn up, my interest in the drink was stoked and I had to try it. Also because the other drinks available on the menu sounded a little dodgy for my liking and I wasn't sure if I was ready to be so experimental and brave with my drink choices! The mango lassi turned out to be a fantastic decision! The mango that went in there was definitely fresh as I could taste the richness and sweetness of the mango (although I think the best mango I've ever tasted was in Thailand - cheap and good and sweet sweet mango sticky rice) even though it was blended with yogurt, but the combination was really to my liking and I thoroughly enjoyed my mango lassi! So there I was, on a regular Tuesday evening, sipping my Mango Lassi and reading about different leadership types on my dearest iPad mini.
*on a side note, I am rather fascinated by the British use of the word evening. Even if its 930pm and very much night time, the lovely Sky from fitness first will still say, "Bye Violet! Have a great EVENING!" Evening?!?! I really don't understand! Maybe now that the sun sets sometime after 830, the use of the word evening can be extended but often I get so boggled by the diction that I become socially-awkward and just go Hehe *smiles widely* or say thank you! Only once or twice did I actually remember to return the greeting and wish her a great....evening. Mind-boggling the English are!
Back to The Food Issue, I've also recently discovered the ideal location my gym is at, offering my quick and convenient access to tons of cute cafes, niche restaurants and unique cuisines! Maybe I'll extend Tf1 to Thursdays as well. I really want to have some Pho at the Pho restaurant located next to Bagel factory, which I tried today! Brought me back to Amsterdam where I visited my first cafe dedicated to Bagels (Note: fond memories of bagels in amsterdam NOT because bagels were a Dutch invention, though I don't actually know the Bagel's true heritage). Bagel Factory is a lot cheaper than Bagels and Beans in Amsterdam, but to be fair, the bagel I had today was only filled with hommous (second mind-boggler!) and a "Salad", which is actually lettuce, sliced tomatoes and cucumbers. I describe it like I didn't enjoy it, but truthfully, I was wolfing it down and enjoyed every last bite of my whole wheat bagel, the hommous and the salad. Yum yum yum! Toasted bagels are indeed tasty tasty!
So, hommous. Today, at the counter, I ordered hommous but pronounced it as HUM-MUS and the lady ( not British, sounded a little like she doesn't really speak English so could be Italian/Spanish or Eastern European - sigh, still haven't picked up on accents of non indigenous speakers of English) was like what? So I repeated HUM-MUS with a smile, and I think the smile got to her cause she was all Eureka and said OH! HOO-MUS!
HOO-Mus or HUM-MUS?!?! Walao eh everyday my language capabilities are being challenged. I would like to think it was pronounced with the HOO sound because it was spelled with the HOO sound, so next time I'm ordering hummus/hommous, the pronunciation will depend on how it's spelt. And I will have to find a way to make the guy repeat it to confirm my theory. Something tells me this is going to happen quite soon because the restaurants I've got my eyes on next are Lebanese (adventurous!!! But the name is damn safe sounding: Honey and Co), Turkish (özer, which I thought was German -.- ) and Mildred's (cuisine type I am not too aware but what I'm aware of is that the menu looks absolutely delightful. More tasty tasty!!!)
Diet-wise... I guess it's still keeping up. I've decided to limit myself to 1.5 meals with carbs a day, 1 meal no carbs (typically dinner, since I don't need carbs at night) and 1 afternoon snack. 1.5 meals instead of 1 because oats count as carbs but they aren't my typical rice, wheat, noodles, flour, starch WHICH I LOVE AND WOULD BE VERY SAD TO GIVE UP FOR OATS. oats seriously. I'm eating a 1kg box of oats. Last I weighed the box, it has 748g left which means n more meals of oats la! Sian. Oats for breakfast aren't that bad and quite tasty but like sometimes I just want to indulge in rice and noodles and pasta (!!!!) so I self-discretion and changed it to 1.5 to be more encouraging and also realistic. Must set SMART goals ma, I'm a management student too okay!
Check out Violet's SMART goals:
Specific - be significantly skinnier. Lose 1kg a week (I.e. caloric deficit of 3500 a week, 500 a day, approximately) but actually, for me, weight is just a guideline, more importantly I want to Downsize!!!!!!
Measurable - I have 1 skirt, 1 pair of pants and 1 pair of jeans to test. Plus my measurements and my weight!
Achievable - this is damn sian but I hope with my new ultra discipline plus super feasible plan, it will be more achievable than before when I was confused about the process and anyhow whack. Got the method clear this time plus consulted my medic friends hahaha super useful to have two medic friends <3
Relevant/Realistic - I think relevant is more appropriate because realistic is similar to achievable right? But Janice morphet (#janicemorphet) put in her PowerPoint that its realistic. But different sources say different things. And #janicemorphet has really messed up PowerPoint slides with information that aren't that helpful and MANY MANY TYPOS or awkward phrasing of points which sometimes make zero sense. Tough life of an urban planner leh.
Timely: SUPER TIMELY LA MY GOAL!!! Headed to Alicante in less than 3 weeks and thereafter parents are flying up which means eatlikeapig holiday so the time to lose is NOW. Plus I really wanna be skinny for summer! Want to go back to Singapore and LOOK like I've actually shrunk!!
Summary of my life. I love food and I love eating but I also want to be skinny so... I will work hard and eat appropriately!!! See, I'm having totally positive attitudes now because I never blame the heavens or god or my parents HAHAHAHAHA
Back to more SMART goals!!
Labels: food, London, Table for One Tuesdays
HOW TO EAT FRUITS
Monday, April 22, 2013 | Posted by Violet|
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I have been trying to be healthy! Which is working out rather well for me since I am vegetarian and that in itself means I eat lots of vegetables and very little unhealthy useless food. The only problem is that I'm not big on fruits, which is kinda ironic I know. When I tell people I've never eaten the following fruits: lychee, mangosteen, longan, rambutan, watermelon (only tried one bite which Ben forced me to at Kichi-Kichi - used to be at Ngee Ann City but has since daobi-ded), rockmelon, guava, cherries, durian and a whole slew of other fruits
I always get the "wth are you serious?!" reaction, to which I reply very calmly, "yes", and launch into a short, well-rehearsed description of ants crawling around rambutans and lychees and all.
Apart from the above untried-and-untested fruits, I generally don't like apples, pears and all those good for you fruits. I only eat bananas, strawberries, grapes and mangoes on their own, and it's not very good because apparently these are high in sugar etc etc etc *insert the annoying rant about fruit sugars*
which is annoying! because here you are thinking you've made great progress by eating fruits but it's all done wrong. maybe i should just stick to eating vegetables then.
recently though, i have found innovative ways to make me eat more fruits! here's how:
Presenting, Violet's step-by-step guide to eating fruits!
1) Buy fruits at the supermarket - THIS IS A GREAT STEP FORWARD! if you dont buy, you confirm wont eat!
- for very lazy people, buy green grapes. just wash then can eat liao
- i started with bananas. very convenient because bananas take 10000 years to ripen here so you have to use science and pluck them out of the bunch to accelerate their ripening (Y).
- then i bought royal gala apples
- today, im going to buy some conference pears. PEARS. holy shit making some good progress here.
2) Display them prominently at home! Make sure you always see them so it annoys the heck out of you especially as they start to grow old and look shitty
3) Add them into all your food!
- Bananas are the best. I mash them up and add them into my Quaker 100% wholegrain rolled oats before microwaving, and blend them to make smoothies, top crepes/pancakes with them. basically bananas are freaking convenient and tasty! i love bananas!! only cannot eat too many cos not very good in terms of HIGH SUGAR (see the stupid sugar thing zzzz)
- Apples! Today i was damn bloody innovative and made oatmeal pancakes with cinnamon apple compote. according to my food-technology-pro housemate, cinnamon is damn awesome cos it breaks down fat or some amazing thing like that. and cinnamon is so tasty!! no need to add sugar because apple is a fruit which has fruit sugar (ZZZZ OMG ENOUGH WITH THE FRUIT SUGAR ALREADY) and just use cinnamon which gives it colour + taste! compote is also damn suitable for my lazy old woman teeth cos the apples are SOFT and i dont have to chew chew chew and crunch crunch crunch. crunchy fruits and vegetables are not my thing!
4) eat!
if it's successful, the fruits + fruit sugar will fill the kitchen with this damn delicious smell and I'll wolf the food down in no time. Note: even disgusting kitchens like the 16 windermere one ALSO CAN SMELL GOOD. Well done fruits. you make my nose happy :)
Today, i am damn cute! i ordered food delivery for my mum!
yay to being a cute and good daughter!!!
now that im all happy and fuzzy inside (must be all that fruit sugar hehehe), i shall get down to work! only got 10 days to prepare for econs!!! jiayou jiayou jiayou!
Take the world by storm
Wednesday, April 17, 2013 | Posted by Violet|
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Damn it I just deleted the entire first part! In gist, I am back from Amsterdam, I ate a lot and I despise myself for my lack of determination. Now, moving on.The only thing I seem to be not lazy enough to do is eat. Which isn't really deserving of praise, since I evidently overeat and constantly psycho myself into thinking I am hungry, even when I really am not. My fat loss plans seem to be evaporating day by day, as I see my face, arms, legs and tummy grow bigger with every unnecessary meal or snack I consume. This makes me despise myself sometimes, for my lack of determination, willpower and endless self-deceit. I really have to control my diet more, especially since this is not only causing an expanding waistline but also a dwindling bank account. My financials are definitely not in shape of late, and I must save up in light of the multiple travel plans I have lined up this year.
The other thing that I am keeping up with pretty well would be my exercise routine. I haven't bailed a day this month without a good excuse, and with the gym deciding to open on Saturdays, I hope this can help me inch (pun totally intended) my way towards my fat loss goals! Go go go!! Cycling as I typing this on my beloved iPad! This has to be the best gift I've received for Xmas because it is so infinitely useful! Also, now that I've taken a resolute step towards revision by deleting the heinous distraction that is Candy Crush, I only have blogging to turn to, which is a more rewarding distraction in many ways, seeing that:
1) I have been stuck on the same level 147 for a good 4 weeks now. Every game has offered me no satisfaction or consolation and merely left me frustrated, cursing the Candy gods for their unfavorable candy combinations, and waiting eagerly (albeit grudgingly) for new lives. Not keen on leading such a pointless existence any longer, I made the bold decision to delete the cursed game today. So long candy crush 147, till we meet again on 7th may, I doubt I will miss you.
2) blogging is strangely calming and helpful. I can have all sorts of eccentricities or sensibilities, and there is nobody to argue with me unnecessarily, and I have no need to prove myself or my capabilities to anyone but myself. And that's all I want really. To be someone I am unabashedly proud of and happy with. So I have to work towards that! No more self-doubting or insecurities because I am too good for that, and by the time I'm 21, I ought to know that for a fact, convincingly, but not in a self-deceiving, unaware way. I like to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses before I sleep, and I always feel quite good about myself when corroborating with events and more importantly, my thoughts. Having bad thoughts sometimes is inevitable, and I think it's an excuse to say you are "good" so long you don't act on them, because you are not acting on them due to civility and societal obligations, rather than an innate goodness. This is something I really have to work on and somehow, blogging helps articulate all these and keeps a log (of sorts) of my progress.
This academic year hasn't been excellent. The effort-performance correlation has been a total mess and I haven't had much to be proud of. The unabated successes and glory of last year has not rode well into the year, so hopefully, these three individual coursework and two examinations can turn things around for the better. I've still got my eyes on that 30£ Waterstones book voucher, so please don't disappoint yourself Violet, hard work and a good use of your rains will get you there!
So I'm off!
I'll make my voice heard
I'll go out into the world
And work for mankind!
Anne Frank, 11 April 1944
So much conviction and ambition from a young girl. This is precisely what I need.
Right this moment! Let me take the world by storm, no matter how small this storm is.